| the mountain |
[Mar. 16th, 2009|01:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
Writing has always been a way to unwind, something to let out all the emotions stuck inside me. Though I have never been as busy as I am now, or under more stress and seem unable to find a lot of time to escape into my relaxation world. My typical day is getting up at 4:30 to go to work until 5. I then have to rush off to class that lasts until 8 or 11:30 depending on the day, and get up by 4:30 to do it all over again. On top of that I have TAO, which I love, but take a lot of work. I love my officers who always want to lend a hand; they don’t know how much it helps.
I had a moment on Sunday to just lay in my bed and think, I have had a plan for myself for over 5 years and now its coming to a close. We always read about what life is like for the hero, the journey he/she takes facing challenges and having both loss and gain but what happens to the hero after the goal is achieved? What is it the hero does after all the dragons are slain? What will I do after I go abroad? Is there another challenge or is it the hero finds peace in winning and is contempt with their place in the world?
I have taken a long and hard journey, one I decided to do on my own, and now feel that I am looking up at a mountain. It’s my last challenge and towers over me, looking down with a wicked smile. The wind is cold and carries whispers of my fears, “Failure.” “Sadness” “impossible” but I don’t retreat. There is nothing left in what lay behind me, that I have moved forward and there is no going back. I am afraid that inside Im not strong enough, that it was all for nothing. But I have to have faith that I can, that I will. I have sacrificed a lot just to be at the base of my monster, to see the challenge up close. All nighters, thousands of dollars, and neglecting friends, are just a few that comes to mind. I don’t know what is really at the top, just that I want to be there, to see with my eyes what I worked so hard for. I have done some amazing things, things I never thought I could do and that my sound mediocre to some but were huge to me. So as I climb up my mountain, my past battles come to mind and the friends Ive made along the way gives me strength to continue to climb up reaching toward my dreams. |
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| sticky caulk and water works |
[Apr. 28th, 2008|06:47 pm] |
Ok I’ve had an interesting few days and thought id let you in on the hilarity of what is my life.
On Saturday
I was sitting in my bay window with the windows open when I saw a fly squeeze through the small space between the window and screen. Getting one of my dare I say… bright ideas I think that I can fill the space with the same stuff Jo, the guy who made my Matsu sword, used to fill the end of my sword with. We are remodeling our house so we have to have some somewhere. I go digging through my dad’s tools finding the gun and tube going back to my room. But the tube broke and the white stuff came out of the wrong end. Determined to fill the hole I stick my finger in digging the smelly white junk out and wiping it down the side of the window. It fills the gap but my hands are covered in sticky white glue. Well after finding it won’t come off with water I call for my brother but put my hand on my cat’s pillow and got black hair on my hands. Holding them up for him to see I said “how do you get cock off your hands?” his face (0_o) oh it was great.
He said “what did you say?”
“Cock, how do you get if off?” still he had his eyebrow raised in disbelief. I go get the tube and hold it up “cock, this stuff.”
“ohhh” he laughed shaking his head. “I don’t know.”
Washing my hands I call the first person I could think of, not my dad or my brother but Casey. I was laughing to hard not to tell someone about how great this moment was, she had to enjoy the adventure that is my life. As I rubbed my hands together under water Kevi called her. We had a good laugh then the caulk started to come off in little white wads. More laughter erupted. Yes. The sticky, smelly white “cock” substance that I had on my hands was coming off in white wads as I rubbed it off. Such a dirty conversatin even if it wasn’t meant to be. It was later that I learned it was called “caulk” not “cock.” I felt stupid but hey it was still a laugh and now flies can’t get through the screen.
Monday
My got I hate Mondays… I hate all days that I have to get up early and got o school. I’m burnt out on my Asian history class sooo much right now. Anyway this tale has ties to the past and to truly understand how sweet a moment I had today you have to know about the boys and me. The boys in my family, Bradley mainly, and I have always clashed. I had to fight to survive in my family, if you showed any amount of weakness they would push you around and that couldn’t happen. I’m not a girl to them, Im jen. They have always treated me as if I were stupid, constantly picking on me, mocking me, my friends and my hobbies so our conversations are based around making fun of the other. During a game of stick ball that we were having, just us grandkids when I was like 12 or so, I hit the fish first. The boys left in a stupor unable to believe that me, a girl, could do something like that.
Anyway to the present day, I have to finish writing notes for my Asian history class and have a pop tart to eat so I go to brads for lunch. I get there and not only is he home but Ryan too. I walk up the stairs, which by the way are about to collapse. The boys are big football players so they break a lot of things, Brads like a bull in a china shop I swear. I can hear the shower running and I figure that someone’s taking a shower well I look into the apartment only to see no one and I know both boys are here. Peeking into the bathroom I see brad bent over with towels wiping up the floor while Ryan is in the shower trying to stop the water. Yes water was blasting out of where a knob once was in the wall and rushing out so hard it was hitting the other end of the tub. “What’s going on?” I ask.
Brad turned around irritated “Stupid Ryan he pulled the metal piece out and it was like a cartoon, when they take a cork out of a barrel and it started to shoot out.” He continues to wipe up water growing more and more angry and panicked.
After I had a good laugh at their expense making sure they could hear me they leave the bathroom giving up and I go inspect it trying to find a way to stop the water. Bradley begins to call plumbers and Ryan sits out side on the porch. After looking around for a good 20 minuets with the boy’s comments like “Jen thinks she’s a plumber! Are you a plumber Jen” “Godddd just go away. You don’t know.” Stuff like that i see the knob to turn the water off and have Ryan turn it because my hands aren’t strong enough while Bradly panics and runs down stairs to his car trying to find his super, who isnt home. I call out off the balcony “I fixed it.” And their faces again were in disbelife. That “What?” look on their face. It was simple, dua turn the knob. Anyway yeah it was great to se them realize I’m not an idiot. Even if I have all of them constantly teasing me, making fun of me and me fighting back with my wits I guess some times actions are better than words. |
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| Your kung fu is no good |
[Apr. 21st, 2008|11:47 pm] |
Well school is almost over, Japan is right around the corner and graduation after that. I have a speech to write for my management class and my anime class not to mention the 2 books I have to read for my history class and finish my web page. *insert nodame spiny eyes* I do get over whelmed though there are days like today where I just sigh and accept it. I have a lot of stuff to do but I can do it. I want to work for this international consulting company in tulsa that pays well. I mean like 60,000 a yr well. But we will see.
I’ve been making late Wal-Mart runs *Ive always done this* but not just to get gas. I have fallen for those $1 movies that are so cheesy you cant not love them. I watch them in the morning and while I’m doing homework at night. I’ve been downloading detective Conan episodes when I should be watching Naruto and writing in class when I should be taking notes. Oh how I have been writing. Like right now I’m trying to come up with sayings for my mature characters like "Like a fan you cant see what’s on the inside until you open it." Or "Your past is but a shadow cast from the light that is in your future." Blah blah blah.
Im moving back to Tulsa in 2 weeks for school, international business classes woooo *not* I know they will be hard but that’s what I want to do. Also Ive decided to learn mandarin. Lets add that to my Japanese and who knows what other language I should learn. I thought something like German but I don’t know. I want to stick to more Asian languages than anything. Put my minor to good use you know. |
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| missing you |
[Apr. 21st, 2008|11:44 pm] |
Its been a full year. A year of reflection, of truly living life in the moment. You are all around me even though you have gone away, your wise words still in my head, your laughter still in my ears bringing a smile to my lips, your essence is in the morning when the air is crisp and the dew fresh. Your in the ending of movies when samurai watch cherry blossoms fall.
Mornings with my grandfather.
A great man, a very great man. My grandfather. I see you in my memories sitting in your office reading your bible as I sit in the doorway with my cat talking about my opinions and hearing stories about your life looking up only when you spoke. Your voice always drew my attention, your presence commanded respect because of your kindness, of your wisdom and lets face it you were a big man, wide shoulders standing tall and proud. Moving back home wasn't the worst thing that could happen to me but getting to live with you for three years was the best thing to happen to me. I got to become close to you and gran, to understand you and the family. Though I am unusual, not a normal quiet girl but an opinionated writer with crazy hours. When I'd stay up all night and watch the sun come up I remember the fun times we had. You walking through the living room to the den startled by my presence on the couch in front of the big window, you always made me laugh when you were startled. First you would turn the coffee maker on throwing away yesterday's grounds refilling the water to its maximum point knowing that you would only have a cup leaving the rest for gran to sip on when she got up. It filled the whole house with a strong smell of morning, that today was a new day, a new adventure begins when you open your eyes. I would have just gone to bed sometimes and would crawl out of bed just to sit and watch the news with you, talking about how someone's voice was annoying and asking questions about the news. Some times you played solitaire in your office as you waited on your coffee, I never understood why, I always hated it. You frowned curiously at me the first few times I was up when you were unsure why someone who sleeps till 2 pm would be up at 6. It got to be a normal thing, for me to go to bed at 7 or 8 and wake later but you didn't care, it was my choice. You always checked on me before you went to work laughing at the fact my cat slept on my head or how I could stay up every night typing on many books. Yes that was something that you respected about me, you saw me as a writer and supported that. I still remember when you past by the rose room seeing me laying on my side my lap top on its side as I read what I had typed. "Well baby I thought you fell asleep working." That sentence made me so happy I think I stayed up until noon typing, feeling a new energy emerging like a wild fire in my souls forest. My cat loved you, racing at the chance to be loved by you, you laughed at the thought that she doesn't have claws and would paw at you. She followed you around the house and you talked to her like she understood you calling her Cat and not Luci. You ate three eggs with toast and coffee every morning and put your dishes in the sink ready to start your day.
Sometimes you went to the school some days you worked around the house finding things to keep you busy until you got gran up. She was never late to appointments, even is she hated to wake up you still sang and laughed to wake her up. I would come back from school waltzing into the living room to greet you both with a story of what happened today, of my daily adventures. You would shake your head and laugh, I can still hear you laugh and see your bright red cheeks that seemed to fill us all with joy. When you laughed your whole body laughed. I must have been a strange creature to you, up all night, into things like Japan and anime but you never said it was stupid. I was an alien to you. When I would do something to amuse you, I did have a mouth and was loud you would just say "Well baby" When I stayed up writing a speech or studying Japanese you would tell me not to be nervous. As long as I did my best you said things will always turn out right. I was so nervous about my final in Japanese but you told me it was going to be ok, that I had studied and should have confidence in myself. I came back that afternoon dancing into the den with a big grin on my face. "tada!" I said or something to that extent, my actions are very theatrical and loud but you would just sit and watch with a smile at how crazy I could be. You did that whole body laugh and sat up excited. "well baby I knew you could do it."
You inspired me to be stronger, taught me to have patients and to not be so bitter but enjoy life as it comes, the bad and the good. God has a plan for us all. You told mom before you died that you knew I was going to be fine, that of all the kids I had great potential to reach my dreams. The last thing you told mom was that you wanted me to go to Japan, that you had to send me no matter what it took. I wish that you could be around when I get back, we could talk about what we both liked the most or hated. You and I got along well and to this day I try to remember your ideas. You are still ever present in my life helping to form who I want to be. I will never forget you even though it has been a year you are still here with me. |
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| empowering vomit |
[Aug. 3rd, 2007|02:21 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my bedroom | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
No body said that it would be easy.
Though to me nothing is impossible. Don't tell me I cant when I know I can because I will leave you behind. I grew up with them not allowing me to be weak, they refused to have me bend and sway to something other than myself, dance only to my own drum.
"Don't let them control your feelings. Never shed tears. Only those who love you deserve your tears and they would never do anything to hurt you."
That was the only thing they said I could never be, weak.
"When I held you in my arms for the first time I knew that you would be strong."
I don't think anyone is born with strength, that it's not something in your blood or accompanies your last name. I believe that strength comes from those around you, that strong people raise strong children. He told me that I would be ok, that I could do anything with that head on my shoulders.
"Stubborn but driven."
They showed me that anything is possible, that I can, that I will as long as I want and I try. Having goals and dreams can make life difficult but it gives it meaning. It defines me. I see what I want and reach for it. Even if I am full of fear I will take the leap. That is what they have taught me, not to fear a challenge.
Even if I am driven I am not with out faults. Im a writer and tend to be lost in thought when someone else is talking, pretending to care and follow the conversation with nods. Oh and being a writer I love to lie. I am narcissistic. A leo who loves the spot light shining on me, I love to have everyone know and pay attention to me. I tend to be manipulative. Its not something Im proud of but it makes me chose my friends wisely. The one thing that I do have is loyalty. I am loyal to those who are truly loyal to me, I will stand up for them, keep them forever. I don't like to see weak people and I don't like to be around weak people. I give advice even when i dont like the person, it seems to constantly spew from my mouth like empowering vomit. And perhaps I am a bleeding heart. Er… Im a manipulative narcissistic liar… wow. *ahem* Anyway…
My birthday wish is to never lose this fire inside, to never let go of what I hold dear, to never forget their words of wisdom that gives me strength even now. Of course everyone has their times where they stoumble and scrape their knees, when they are down. What makes people strong are those who can lift themselves up and continue on, eyes still on the prize. When you have to work for something you appreciate it more, when something is handed to you you'll take it for granted. Hard work makes everything seem sweeter. I cant wait to reach my goals. They are so close… |
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| Paying the piper |
[Jul. 11th, 2007|01:41 am] |
Well my first summer class has been quite the eye opener. For the past 2 years I had been avoiding the one class that I thought would bring tears to my eyes, college algebra. I know, I know "jen you're a business major you should like math." Uh… no. I don't like it. Anyway I'm loving my alg class. My teacher is fun and really nice which makes getting up and going to school a little easier. I'm doing well and will pass and go on to take more math classes that are mandatory in the business core... boooo
Im still looking for a program to go to Japan on; though I have emailed three different colleges I have only been shuttled to web sites that want $30,000…. Yeah no way. Anyway im still on the hunt so if you have any programs please send them my way!
I went to see an advisor today to ask questions about the international business major (IBUS). Ive been thinking of changing my major to something that involves knowing Japanese and will help me go to Japan. Sooooo I make an appointment at 3 and arrive at 3 only to have to wait 30 min, though I did get to talk to the guy at the desk who just happened to love anime so the time waiting was spent giggling. Im more than likely going to change to IBUS in the fall when I finish my alg class which means that I have to move to Tulsa and go back to the BA campus. That will be in a year when I finish up some more of the classes offered at the quah. When I graduate ill have a Bachelors degree in International Business with a specialization in Information Systems Management and a minor in Asian Studies. (Also after getting back from Japan ill be fluent in Japanese)
ME SOON!
< Hi my name is Jennifer brown I have a Bachelors degree in International Business with a specialization in Information Systems Managementy and a minor in Asian Studies. Oh and Im a published author and speak Japanese! >
haHA! Yes! Goal acquired! Now… I just have to pay the piper so I can dance.
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| japan help |
[Jun. 23rd, 2007|08:28 pm] |
To everyone
Ive been looking on the net and talking to a lot of people about going to Japan but have yet to find a program that I really want to enrol in. The entire reason I want to go to Japan is to learn the language and learn more about their culture. The problem that Im having is that I want to live with my friend and stay for a year. (I know its rare to get to live with friends but…) I am an out going person, someone to take chances and do new things, though Ive never gone to a different country so Ill be a pansy when it comes to this trip. A host family sounds like fun but I doubt that they would let two students stay with them. (i will probably end up staying with one though) I need a list of programs that would let me go to Japan for a full year. (Any programs at this point)
Another problem Im having is that I have no money. Currently a college student I live off my parents, student loans and student aid. How do you get enough money to go? Ive heard of scholarships but dont know the ones that would best fit me. I have a 3.5 gpa and have taken elem Japanese and am getting a minor in Asian studies. I will be graduating in 09 and would love to be in Japan 09 to 2010. So if anyone had a program they’ve heard of or anyway to pay for the trip than please let me know.
PS: If you want to say anything to help out even if its not program related like a helpful hint or a good experience let me know too.
Thanks
jen |
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| birthday wish |
[Apr. 20th, 2007|12:32 am] |
I have always believed that there is a balance in life. That everything bad must have a good, every night must turn to day, and every tear will be a laugh. I spent the morning rushing around like I always do before school staying in bed as long as I can and cursing under my breath mad I stayed in bed so long as I try to get ready for school. (I’ve taken to dressing in my pjs so I look really professional compared to the kids in the suits)
I even had time to grab a juice box before running out to my car with my back pack weighing like 50 pounds due to my brick of a lap top in it. I had every intension of using it seeing how on this day I did remember my wifi card. Well I get to class 5 minuets late running over to the art building excited about the fact that we were studding Japan and not China. (can we say super hard names to remember) anywho I’m writing notes when I look up she flips the slide and guess what… we went back to china. I wanted to scream! If it wasn’t the creepy child molester dude biting his nails or smacking on god knows what (he didn’t have food he may have been eating the dirt off his nasty fingers I don’t know I just wanted to vomit the whole hour and 15 minuets I was in there.) After class I asked about my test (which I bombed) she said that she only had one A and 2 b’s that everyone else seemed to be in the same boat. She said that I could take it over. I almost cried there too. I just didn’t have time to remember the names for the painters (Mu Qi [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<pronounced [...] chi…>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] I have always believed that there is a balance in life. That everything bad must have a good, every night must turn to day, and every tear will be a laugh. I spent the morning rushing around like I always do before school staying in bed as long as I can and cursing under my breath mad I stayed in bed so long as I try to get ready for school. (I’ve taken to dressing in my pjs so I look really professional compared to the kids in the suits) I even had time to grab a juice box before running out to my car with my back pack weighing like 50 pounds due to my brick of a lap top in it. I had every intension of using it seeing how on this day I did remember my wifi card. Well I get to class 5 minuets late running over to the art building excited about the fact that we were studding Japan and not China. (can we say super hard names to remember) anywho I’m writing notes when I look up she flips the slide and guess what… we went back to china. I wanted to scream! If it wasn’t the creepy child molester dude biting his nails or smacking on god knows what (he didn’t have food he may have been eating the dirt off his nasty fingers I don’t know I just wanted to vomit the whole hour and 15 minuets I was in there.) After class I asked about my test (which I bombed) she said that she only had one A and 2 b’s that everyone else seemed to be in the same boat. She said that I could take it over. I almost cried there too. I just didn’t have time to remember the names for the painters (Mu Qi <pronounced mu chi… see super hard hua> and zhoug fang I could remember but everyone else seemed to blend together…) Well after that I went to the library to play on my lap top. I hate dial up, it takes me seconds to down load youtube videos (which I seem to enjoy watching con skits sooo….) but I giggled for 3 hours before deciding that I was getting sleepy. Heading home my phone alarm went off and I looked down to see what was on my calendar. “April 19. Pop’s b-day. 69 years.” I could feel my heart drop and the smiles and giggles fade. He would have been 69 if he hadn’t past away in November. So I go to walmart knowing that I only have $4 in my checking account. I thought about getting him flowers… but those were three dollars and I didn’t really want to get him that. He wasn’t a flower man… so over to the fabric department I go and stand looking at the plastic flowers. Pulling out some white flowers I see the plastic food. He loved bananas, grapes and peppers. So deciding that the green grapes and banana would look a lot better than some fresh flowers I got those. It was like 4.27 for all of it and I had to put a dollar in to my checking account. But it was worth all the running around. Going home I pass a cop while pulling the tags off the flowers and going down a hill so I didn’t know how fast I was going and I got a ticket. That cop can suck balls he didn’t even give me a chance to say why. He just said here’s your ticket and you need to change your license you don’t live in Tulsa any more. Ya think!? Thanks captain obvious, thanks a whole damn much. Now I have to, or rather my parents have to, pay for this, the con, and my college education! You know why I don’t live in Tulsa? Because during that time my family was hit with some bad voodoo magic or something, my bro flipping the zero, my dad getting hurt oh and the fact that my grandfather almost lost his foot to some virus or something! That would be why! And I’m going to his grave. So thanks officer jack ass. ( I didn’t need this, not day when I was trying my best not to cry) I get to the grave putting the flowers next to his name and the grapes and banana underneath the flowers. I just stood there for a long time looking up at the sky, remembering how he smelled, laughed, and how he would always say “Well baby.” When I would do something he thought was silly. He would always shake his head and smile when I would get flustered or laugh as I danced into the den to tell them about my day at school. “I knew you could do it.” He’d say. He would have loved today. The clear blue sky, warm sun, the breeze was just cool enough to keep the sweat off your forehead and the sunset was perfect. When I finally began to speak, ramble about what was going on in my life and how much we missed him, a butterfly came out of know where and landed on the flowers I had just sat on the ground before flying up onto my chest. I got all choked up again and laughed (It was so weird, like something from a movie.) my Cherokee name is butterfly so it was nice to see some flying around making the cemetery seem to be more like a garden. I know he’s not there, that his soul is in heaven but it was still great to feel like that butterfly was sent to make me laugh, that no one would believe this if I told them. Even if the day had its ups and downs, even if I was sent spinning into a rage before spinning into sadness of loss, today was still a beautiful day. Happy birthday Pop |
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| Having an emo moment |
[Apr. 11th, 2007|11:32 am] |
We all have our off days. The days when we feel that there's no hope, that we're falling into an abyss that's absent any light and any way to escape. It was just one of those depressing days.
I got home from school knowing that I would have a lot of studying to do for the 3 test I have this week feeling over whelmed with 3 weeks of school left. I looked up to the sky watching the rain fall form the grey and blue clouds listening to the drops as they hit the ground and my car. Taking a few steps in the muddy grass admiring how green it was I stopped just to stair as the rain continued to fall. I looked up with a sigh feeling tiered already, my body numb and sleepy. It was a cold rain but I didn't care I just stood with my eyes to the sky.
I thought about a lot of things, about my future, of the promise I made to myself, my promise to him. I won't take a step back even if it kills me, wouldn't return to that hell that I was locked in, that I put myself in years ago. That I would never give up, that I would fight for what I want. I know what I want. Even if now I can't see the destination I know where it is, just like I can't see the air around me but I can feel it as it blows my hair and caresses my skin. The journey is hard and exhausting and even if I fight them, tears still fall from my eyes on occasion but my head is still held high. I held up my hand to the sky that seemed so far away feeling the rain hit my fingers and cheeks my eyes narrowed to stop the drops from entering. Just a little further and I can touch those clouds, just a few more years. The power I hold in my heart could break down any wall just as long as I try, stay strong. I will fight for it. I will fight for my dreams. Even if I have to shed tears on the way, bleed and scar up my skin I will achieve my dreams. There will be sacrifices as I keep my eyes to the sky. I will reach for what I want, for what will be. I promise you I will.
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jennifer_brown's journal
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